As a mother to a pre-teen I am struggling with the idea of how to manage the internet..as most of us do: Do I let my daughter have a phone? Do I let her be on other social media sights? I know she is chatting with friends on Animal Jam (a game). How do we monitor it and what do we do? It is such a hard line and setting boundaries. Each of us have to decide what is right for our families.
Teens & Social Media
It’s not a passing fad—social media is here to stay. Take a look at these recent statistics … Facebook has 350 million pictures uploaded each day. 400 million Tweets are being sent per day. Instagram has over 16 billion pictures uploaded, and every second, 8000 users “like” a photo that is posted. 4.2 billion people use their mobile device to access social media sites. Social networking will be here from now on. It’s not going to change. It’s only going to increase.
What can change is the way we approach social media. Instead of being overwhelmed by the digital world, it’s important that we familiarize ourselves with the upsides and downsides of the way our teens are using technology to express themselves.
The Need to Be Cool
I’ve never met a young person who does not want to “be cool” in the eyes of their peers. Wanting to “be somebody,” wanting to be accepted and loved are normal feelings and that’s why teens often turn to social media. It’s a place where they can catch people’s eyes, strive to be valued by their friends, and find acceptance from their peers. They want to look like they have it all together, and that they’ve accomplished something. Teens want the same kind of validation that you and I want. The problem? Adults are able to show success and find significance in ways teens cannot. We adults find significance mainly through our work. We display our worth and value to others through the toys we own and the places that we travel. We find acceptance through family, grand kids, or even our pets.
Teens, on the other hand, usually don’t purchase their own cars, and they don’t have careers yet. They lack experience in relationships, and do not have kids or grandkids. Their toys usually come from their family, and they cannot travel without Mom and Dad. They have not collected much, or done much, and the teen years are not really their best years. They have earned very little, and most of what they own is given to them. Most teens don’t have a house. They don’t have a spouse. But they do have a mouse. Until they learn a little, live a little, and blow out a few more candles, Facebook, Instagram, Ask.Fm, Pinterest, Youtube, and the other 300 social media sites provide massive platforms where kids can give voice to their longings and gain approval.
Do teens exaggerate things about themselves? Of course they exaggerate … they’re teens! Understand that teens embellish their image and seek to “look cool,” not only through social media, but in every aspect of their life. The bigger problem many parents face is when a teen’s online presentation becomes negative or inappropriate — if they are threatening or saying inappropriate things about others. If that happens, it is time for correction and more training before they are allowed online again. Teach them that the things they say online cannot be taken back. Kids often miss the fact that the Internet is a place where you cannot get rid of something once it is placed out there for the world to see. Photos and comments on the Internet are like tattoos … they are almost impossible to get rid of once you have them. And then, remember to communicate that you love your teens the way they are. There is no need for them to fake a perfect identity around you.
When Janell Hoffman gave her 13-year-old son, Greg, an iPhone for Christmas, it came wrapped with an 18-point agreement he had to sign in order to use it. “Contractual” stipulations included things like, “I (Mom) will always know the password,” and “Do not text, email, or say anything to someone that you would not say out loud with their parents in the room.” Point 18 is the best: “You will mess up. I will take away your phone. We will sit down and talk about it. We will start over again. You, I, we are always learning. I am on your team. We are in this together.” Janell became a national example for parents everywhere. On Good Morning America, Janell said the 18-point roster of conditions was an effort to help her son enter the digital world with a little foresight. “What I wanted to do and show him [was] how you could be a responsible user of technology without abusing it, without becoming addicted” she said. Makes sense, doesn’t it?
Offer Something Social Media Can’t Provide
Our kids desperately want to connect. The need for relationships, for community, for a place of belonging is a driving force for teens. I have seen firsthand the extremes teens will go to bond with others. They use crass language online, they post inappropriate photos on Facebook, or change their image drastically—all in an attempt to make lasting connections with other people.
That’s where mom and dad come in. Your teen needs you. There’s nothing that can take the place of a face-to-face relationship. Turn off your phone when you talk to your child. Take time together. Occasionally mention when you see something on their Facebook page. Teach discernment when your teen gets older (and the best way to teach discernment is to be discerning yourself). You are the most powerful role model that your teen will have. It’s up to you to role model the power and value of relationship.
Parents can provide the relationships that social media cannot. And you can use social media to your advantage! A new study out of Brigham Young University said that teens who are connected with their parents on social networks feel closer to them in real life. “It’s bidirectional,” says BYU professor Sarah Coyne. “As we have experiences in new media, it strengthens bonds that are already there. It’s kind of a rich-get-richer type of thing and cementing what’s already there. You don’t want these results to get overblown to say, ‘If you friend your kid on Facebook, you’re suddenly going to have a great relationship.’ It’s just one tool in an arsenal that parents have to connect with their teens.”
It sounds funny, but I have been sitting across the table from a teen who was engrossed in her phone, and then hopped on my phone to start texting her questions. Here we are, two people sitting at the same table, communicating through our phones. I entered a teen’s world so I could connect and show I value time with her.
But it’s also a good idea to encourage teens to step away from the social media and discover how to interact with humans in real life. I’ve found an easy formula—More screen time and less people time equals stunted growth for us and our teens. It’s really that simple. So initiate a “tech-free” night, where you shut off the internet, put all phones (including yours) in a box, and enjoy time together around a campfire, at the beach, playing board games, making dinner, or going through the old-fashioned and off-line, photo albums.
Social Media has become an integral part of our daily lives. It’s a fabulous tool. You don’t need me to tell you that. But even good tools can do more harm than good if mom and dad aren’t there to instruct, guide and provide alternatives to these social outlets. So hop on Facebook and friend your teen. But don’t forget to also include needed “face time” with your child.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for struggling teens located in Longview, Texas. He has been married to his wife, Jan, for 40 years, has two kids, and 4 grandkids. He lives in Longview, Texas with the Heartlight staff, 60 high school kids, 25 horses, his dog, Stitch, 2 llamas, and a prized donkey named Toy. His past involvement as a youth pastor, Young Life area director, and living with over 2,500 teens, has prepared Mark to share his insights and wisdom about parenting pre-teens and adolescents.
You can find out more about Heartlight at www.HeartlightMinistries.org. You can also call Heartlight directly at (903) 668-2173.
For more information and helpful resources for moms and dads, check out our Parenting Today’s Teens website at www.ParentingTodaysTeens.org. It’s filled with ideas and tools to help you become a more effective parent. Here you will also find a station near you where you can listen to the Parenting Today’s Teens radio broadcast, or download the podcast of the most recent programs.
